Most days things are fine...

... then *bam!* I have a "bad Matt day" when I miss him with every fibre of my being.

When that happens, I try to attend to my emotional guidance system and redirect my thoughts to another place... one more aligned with my ideals of what adult relationships can be (should be?)

But it's not an easy thing, to shift your thinking in this way. Sometimes it can take hours to find thoughts that are more in tune with who/what/where I want to be... and during that time tears may flow, the heart aches... I am exhausted.

I feel a bit like I'm learning to walk again after having a leg amputated... bumping into things, feeling disoriented, frustrated.

"The mind may grow wise... but the heart remains a child."

-EBTG

Taking the high road

So this is the end... Matt and I have finally reconfigured our relationship from "monogamous gay couple" to "friends with (occasional) benefits". He'll be in his own apartment at mid-August, at which point we'll probably see considerably less of each other, as he's found someone else he wants to date, know, be with.

I'd be lying if I said this isn't one of the most painful experiences of my adult life, yet I remain committed to taking the high road in this and allowing this new arrangement to unfold as it will... without (too much) drama.

I do believe I was the perfect partner for Matt at the time in his life when changes were everywhere... coming out to his family and moving from a rented bedroom in the hinterland to his own apartment downtown. He acknowledges this and I do believe he genuinely appreciates me for it.

But his heart's not for me and I accept that. I do hope he will continue to make some time for a friend... but if not, at least we had the last 18 months together. It was also a time of chaotic change for me and I'm glad he was around during that time.

Adieu, beautiful boy.

Dating Poverty

He's intelligent, often witty and rather clever. Seems well-read and passionate about social issues. He makes you laugh (often) and supports you in everything you do. His fashion sense seems a bit "out there" but he doesn't take himself too seriously.

He gives great head. He loves you totally and without reservation.

And he's poor.

Not just "a little short this week". POOR. Struggling to make ends meet, pay the rent, keep his phone going. He's not a junkie or a hustler. He's a pretty ordinary guy behind appearances. He wants to be loved... and he loves you.

Now what?

Moving again...

Turns out my "winter palace" isn't. Looking to move into a reasonably-priced bachelor or junior one bedroom apartment for November 1.

"A gift wrapped in obligation isn't a gift... it's a transaction".

Fold the tent and saddle the camel... I'm a new nomad

Time's UP! Wrestling with finances, trying to carry the load for recalcitrant boarders and craving change has brought me to this place, where I feel I must uproot, divest myself of accumulations from more than a decade of pack rat behaviour and relocate to more modest digs.

Hoping my co-op will co-operate and allow me to exit without the standard 60-day notice period. A month of yard sales should help lighten the load on several fronts, reducing the number of items to be packed and moved, and chipping away at burdensome debts.

Anyone in the market for a beautiful set of custom-made, baroque style gold-leaf bevelled mirrors?

Dismantling the squat in my basement

Happy Canada Day 2007!

The beach! The beach!

Went to Hanlan's Point with Matt last week... we both had a great time. There's nothing like introducing someone to a new experience for them that's an old experience for you, to open your eyes to stuff you may be taking for granted.

We'll go again this week on Monday or Tuesday, weather permitting. (It damn well better!)